I had a major ah-ha moment around “getting it right.” And the more I sit in it, the more the Spirit is bringing revelation.
Before we closed on our house, I was stuck in a moment of “God, I am not so sure about the new house idea.” I knew that I had heard the Lord say this was to be our new home. But I was just not seeing it. A friend came over and she and I both stood in silence looking at the property. “It’s really different from where you are right now,” she offered kindly. “It’s a lot of work,” I grumbled.
I turned to her and nearly begged, “Please pray for me today. If God is telling me this is it, I must be missing something because this does not look like abundance. And He promised me abundance.” We hugged and went our separate ways.
But we both did pray. I asked for God to give me glimpse of what He was seeing, a sign, a token of His Yes. She prayed for a glimpse of what God was up to in my life.
The answers to those prayers were, well, God sized.
After my friend left, my family and I ran errands. As we were driving down old familiar roads, “something” caught my eye. I knew a Holy Nudge well enough to go back and look. It was the back of a huge canvas being discarded. My first thought was for Salem. She could repaint this big piece.
Why throw it away when there is so much potential? (Selah)
Then Chuck turned the canvas around I heard this whisper from the Lord. “These are the colors in your new house.”
“But I don’t do blues,” I said.
You do now. This is a whole new season. So all new colors.
Whaaat? Here was a literal sign from God, with a touch of interior Designing too. I was overwhelmed by His kindness to answer my prayer but also the attention to detail of my house. Who is this God who cares about paint colors? I couldn’t wait to tell my friend my answered prayers but she had her own story.
She retold her God conversation as:
Lord, it’s not my place to wonder if she is hearing you right. But I don’t want her being miserable. She loves her home. She has worked hard to make it beautiful.
“Yeah. She is pretty great at making beautiful things, isn’t she?” He said.
So we just started bragging on you and how faithful you are with the gifts you have been given. You look at this house and see everything you want to change, but He is looking at it going, ‘Jana would would excel in here. It looks like work, but an artist enjoys painting…’
Also, I kept asking Him why this looked like a decrease when we know He has “more”. I kept getting words like, inheritance, legacy, generational blessings, and honor of the father and mother. I think the “more” is not in the size of the kitchen… Does any of this fit?
I was crying as I read her email. Yes, Yes it fits. Perfectly.
I turned a corner that day. Yes I was moving. There were months and mountains to cross before we would move into our promised house, but God had activated my creativity. I was dreaming again, brainstorming options. I would go in my garage and look at this huge canvas and just smile. “Blues, huh? This is going to be fun.” I said to the Lord.
I know, He said. That’s the point.
So fast forward six months. God so changed our hearts that we were all but running to the new house because we were so eager to be there. We lugged that huge canvas to the new house and leaned it against the wall, and taunted me. Chuck and I had agreed once we moved, that he wanted something more than an abstract so it needed repainting. So it waited for me.
I tried to recruit my daughter, the artist. Salem refused to touch it.
I kept telling her I didn’t know how to paint well enough to get what was in my head onto the canvas. But every time I said that to Salem, the Spirit would press on me and say, “That’s not the point. You do it.”
Have you ever had something being offered to you that you had no idea how to start, or worse, you wouldn’t start because you were afraid you would screw it up?
When the day of no more stalling came, paints and brushes ready, I stood there— panicked.
What if I mess it up? I said out loud. What if you do? He answered.
What if I don’t like it? I asked. What if you don’t? He prodded.
I don’t know what to do.
Whatever you want.
Really? The first swaths of mixed paint were bolder than I thought but it was too late. A huge stripe of turquoise interrupted the tranquil greys and misty blues. Might as well keep going, I thought. I splashed and smeared and stroked. Then came the tree.
I don’t know how to make a tree.
I know you do, but how do I paint one.
There was only Silence. So I took the brush and tried to carefully create a tree branch. It looked awful.
You are trying too hard. What you would paint if you were just having fun?
Suddenly I started slapping the brush on the canvas. And before long a tree of sorts did emerge. And so the process continued. With the dripping affects, and squiggle lines, and the cream colored tree roots. The more I relaxed, the more lost I became in the moment, the more I realized I was smiling. I was playing more than painting. I was enjoying more than working.
I stood back and observed my work. “Well it looks really different than the painting in my head.”
Yes it does.
“I am not sure I like it.”
Is that okay?
“Yes. No. Maybe? I like it but it doesn’t really fit my house now. But I sure loved doing it. That was so — fun.”
Ah yes. That’s the point. (Ever have the feeling that Jesus is laughing at you rather than with you sometimes?)
Once the whole family voted, we agreed that we liked the painting but didn’t want it in our new house. And I felt…wonderful.
It really had nothing to do with the result. The whole exercise was about hearing the Lord, responding to Him, being wiling to walk into the unknown, or even unskilled, and enjoy the process.
How have I missed this so many times? I re-read my friends email:
An artist enjoys painting…
I have missed much enjoyment in my life because I have been so results-oriented. The questions God laid on my heart might help you too.
Have I let the “pressures of this world” (the ones Jesus warned us about) choke out the seeds of creativity, joy, enjoyment in my life?
Could I do the same things I do every day, but do them differently? With enjoyment, with pleasure, with God? And let the results—just be the results and not my goal, my worth, or my god?
Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33