A Few Thoughts on the “Sex Talk” — Part 1

Many of you have asked about when and how to get started on this oh-so-delicate topic of Sex.  What I can offer you is what I learned as an abstinence and relationship teacher and what I have done with my own girls.  I am going to try to break it down in bite-sized pieces.

1) Start sooner than you think and start sooner than you are ready. 

Parents often wait to discuss the whole sexual side of relationship until they “think their children are ready.”  But in my experience, this is a fallacy and is often a big cover up for parental fear.  The thought goes, if my children don’t ask, then my children aren’t ready.  But we don’t do this in any other area. We talk to our children about fires being hot and able to burn you, chocolate being wonderful but the need for moderation, and even what to do around “scary people” and how to get help.

I doubt any of our children asked about these topics.  But we deemed them as  necessary discussions for their development. So is sex.

We live in a highly sexualized culture. Your children are being educated All. The. Time.   So my firm belief is that parents should be the primary voice even in sexual matters for their children. Why? You want to be the Go-To person for your children. You want to be the trusted expert. Not the TV, movies, social media or even their buddies.

I  feel so strongly about this.  I want to create a foundation of truth for today’s generation that is based on God’s idea of sexuality. I want it to be so strong that when the world tries to dump its toxic nature into my kids, or your kids, that they can see the lie for what it is. Otherwise, the opposite is true. The world  establishes the foundation for our kids and parents then resort to trying quick fixes. Too many parents wait so long that their kids have no need to hear from mom and dad.

Too many times, and I have seen this first hand, kids give up on their parents. The parents act like they don’t know anything about sex so they lose credibility with their own children.  Children will go somewhere to get answers.  You want  to be where they go. If you shy away, or sugar coat or even Christian-coat  their real questions, you will lose them. Oral sex, anal sex, homosexual sex.  You don’t flinch. You answer their questions. But they won’t even begin asking if you have never opened the door for them to walk through. Lovre+017

We began the “sex talk” by celebrating marriages.  Our girls were often flower girls or we attended friends’ weddings so we talked about the honeymoon being a special time for the husband and wife to share secret and beautiful things.  At one point, then five -year-old Charis was so excited about the idea of a honeymoon she exclaimed, “Daddy I want you to come on my honeymoon with me and my husband!”

Chuck laughed and said, “I tell you what, when you get married if you and your husband still want me to come, I will be glad to be there!!”

Early on, we set the stage for them that something wonderful was coming.  As they got older, lots of conversations naturally happened as we watched movies where couples had sex on the first date.  Why are they kissing already? Why are they having sex, they aren’t married yet? It is easy to have lots  of “sex talks” as you are doing life together, rather than having one big weekend or event.

We honored their bodies. When they were very small we  called  their sexual areas “privates,” because they were not to be seen or shared with anyone but who God had for them.  Sound like overkill? With the prevailing sexual abuse, we wanted our girls to know that we highly valued  them and they were worth protecting. In hindsight, this even prevented the “playing doctor” and other forms of curiosity.

We covered their privates. We talked about honoring their privates and when they began to talk, we called body parts by their anatomically correct names. Why? Because believe or not, the labeling of women’s bodies begins the objectification process.  Boobies, ta-tas, titties,  all these phrases and even the ones related to the vagina, are part of a culture that separates a woman’s body from the total person. I know this is extreme to some. But we are honoring what God has made. Not what the culture dictates.

Yes there was awkward in the beginning.  For example, when Salem was three she came with me to the office and we ran into the Director of the Board. As he was walking away, she loudly asked, “Mommy does Mr. Mickey have  a penis?” Gasp. Gulp. “Yes he sure does honey. All boys do.”

She wasn’t embarrassed. So why was I?  I had told her that God made us differently and that it was beautiful. So why do we drag all this shame into our conversations with our kids. Sex is God’s idea. Let’s give Him glory even in this. He’s not embarrassed. So why should we be?

Okay this is all for today.  Lots more to come.

photo credit: artsmarts4kids.blogspot.com




Thawing out…

It was one of those middle of the night Jesus wake-up calls.  I was having terrible dreams anyway  so the tug to get up was a relief.   I grabbed a blanket off the bed and sat in a chair in the dark. Chuck’s steady breathing was the only sound.

The last comment I remembered from my dream was “where is my heart?”  I just sat there in a half awake stupor trying to sort real from spirit from dreaming.  It was so bright outside that I thought  the moon was out but as my eyes adjusted I realized the white was snow.

I walked out into the kitchen and saw my snow- covered deck. “It’s supposed to be spring,” I mumbled to myself.  And as I pondered the paradox of snow in March, the lesson began.  “Your heart?” The Spirit pressed on me.

“My heart is covered in snow. It’s supposed to be blooming, but it’s covered in snow.” I whispered quietly.

“But Spring is coming,” He said.

“You’re gonna have to do something about this snow first, ” I said, half joking, half begging.  Then I heard a line from a song.  “All My love is for you, All My Love is yours.”

I stood there barefooted, wrapped in a blanket, stunned…

This conversation has been persisting for almost a week now.  And Jesus, being the “Faithful Strength” that He is, has been so patient, so tender, so encouraging.

Here are some points to ponder thus far:

Don’t rush the process. God is taking His own sweet time in bringing relief and revelation to me. So I am choosing to slow down, cut out, start fresh, whatever it takes to be able to listen when He brings insight.

Confess the hurt.  God is really challenging me to not fake, dismiss, or minimize the season. My heart is really going through the ringer. He is revealing wounding, sin and potential all in one loving step.  Only God can do that well.  But a few true friends can ease the journey.  So He has asked me to share, but to share with wisdom.  “Above all else, guard your heart.”  Don’t hide it, guard it.

Believe in the promises. Just because the route changes, doesn’t mean the destination has.  God has not changed His promises so He has asked me to stand on Him even when everything is shifting.  I can be uncomfortable, even miserable, and STILL be in Him.

All My love is yours.  Hard to feel sorry for yourself and believe this at the same time.  He has given medicine for every cut, and comfort for every heartache.  True to His nature, He has also given humor.

Look at the photo I took just yesterday.  I  rolled out ready to scrape off a layer of ice and the Lord stopped me. “Oh look,” He said. “There is ice on your car. But it is melting. I wonder what is melting the ice?” 

“Very funny.  You are so very funny. The sun…. or is that the Son? ” I said laughing. “I got it. I got it. The Son will melt the ice on my heart.”

Thank you Jesus. Your presence is our every hope.


Sweetly Broken Abortion Healing Retreat

“I thought I was over it.”

“I’ve never told anyone.”

“I’m afraid God is punishing me.”

“How can I make this right?”

“How can I forgive…?”

We know how you feel.  We have been there too.Through the fear, nightmares, denial, anger and regrets.

BUT we have passed through to a new place called peace, and true forgiveness.

We are still sad about the fact of our past, but we are no longer held captive by it.

God has shown us there is beauty in our brokenness.

We invite you to a tender, honest and safe weekend to
hear about how to walk forward in freedom.

What you can expect:

Time to process

Time to worship

Time to hear truth

Time to be honest

Time to sort out what’s next?

Teaching and materials by Jana Spicka.

2 night’s lodging at a lake house in Louisville, TN.

Check in at 5pm. First session at 7pm.  Check out Sunday at 11am.

Four meals and snacks. Breakfast, lunch and dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday morning. (Friday night dinner is on your own before first session.)

This is an intimate gathering for 9 women.


Loving What God Loves

It never fails. After an event as powerful as Unhindered 2012, I began to unpack the car,  my heart, and my notes. “Ah” comes the familiar sigh, as my eyes glanced over the post-it notes I used as speaking cues.

“I forgot that verse.”

“Oh I didn’t show that slide.”

“Wow Lord, I didn’t tell them that story of how You came through for us.”

I had coffee with Chuck this afternoon and ran down the list of what “I didn’t say.”  I wasn’t sad or disappointed. I didn’t feel shame. I was just stating the facts. And yet…

“What did I talk about?” I asked him laughing, recalling the Spirit’s mighty presence surrounding the women.  Chuck’s blue eyes and response burned right through me. “You told them exactly what God wanted them to hear!”

(Lord, thank you for this redeemed co-heir, partner, coach, friend and husband.)

“Well then, I just need to write out the rest of what I left out then.”  And he ardently agreed.

It matters because God is telling a powerful story. When you registered for the UE, you weren’t connecting to me. You were responding to the Spirit of the Living God.  So for the next several days, let’s see what else He has to pour out.

Today the pressing topic is God’s utter satisfaction in you.  I heard from women afterwards, and even on my team, the concern and fear that God is displeased, disappointed, frustrated, or “tired of my sh#@!”  When the presence of the Lord is so strong, we often see our shortcomings, deficits, ruts and rebellions all the more clearly. But God.

It is God’s glory  that exposes, overshadows, and covers our human-ness. It is His glory that stirs something in us to ache for “farther up and farther in.”  And it is our inward groan for “more” that should be our greatest encouragement.

The only reason we long for someone’s  total embrace of our true selves,  total acceptance of our good and bad sides,  total filling of a perfect love, and total forgiveness for the seen and unseen sin, is because deep inside we suspect we are more than we appear. God is not like us, but we are made in His image and our spirits hunger for the reality of Him. Dead people don’t worry about sin. “The love of Christ  compels” us to be like Him.

We have an internal hard drive that runs best when we are living out of His embrace, acceptance, fullness and forgiveness. So if our enemy can convince us or distract us by believing less, desiring less,  enjoying less, then he has us right where he wants us: Doubting the Love of God.

The best thing you can claim today is God’s perfect, joyful, continuous, unconditional delight in you. Not because of who you are, but because of Whose you are.

The Infinite God of Endless Delight.