Pearls of Wisdom: On Sex, Beauty, and Worth

I think I shied away from continuing to talk about sex and beauty. In my mind, my kids had heard it all before. We have been talking about sex and beauty since they were toddlers. Now as teens, their pushback was working. The rolled eyes, the “I know, Mom!” comments, the sighing and huffing was enough to deter one more lecture.  But then, I saw the brokenness and confusion around sex and beauty and I knew it needed to be talked about. Again.

I was reminded of a weighty word the other day that’s worth repeating. It’s more than ‘save sex.’ It’s the WHY of sex. 

God is always in the details. It’s important to know that the very first “shedding of blood” was not for the clothing after the Fall. It was the blood covenant of marriage between the man and the woman. 

In the garden, the man and woman were naked and unashamed. God covered the woman’s vagina with a thin membrane called the hymen.  And when this “veil” was torn, the small amount of blood signified the covenant she entered with God and Adam as the “two became one flesh.”  It was a holy contract. And their heirs, the children they produced through their love, became a reminder of God’s faithfulness, because they too have  passed through the veil of the blood covenant.


The symbolism is breath-taking. Do we teach this kind of beauty to our children? Because if we did, the worth of our sexuality just might go far beyond our current standard.

(This is an extremely short version. See Kris Valloton, Moral Revolution)

In light of such honor, the demonic abuse and distortion plainly seen. Turn on any channel.

We are more than objects and animals.

I want to remind us of the Why of God’s heart:  to protect something sacred and honored. We set a high standard of purity because we agree that God’s way is best. “The marriage bed is to be honored by all.” Hebrews 13:4  

So we count virginity for women and men as a great treasure because they have fought and defended what God prizes. We count marital faithfulness as a great treasure because we don’t allow the enemy to invade our Holy Ground. We don’t apologize for setting a standard that reflects the heart of God.

And. With grace, we understand that not all fight this battle to the end. We take courage and comfort in our sexual failures, because the blood of Jesus washes us from all stains. All. Stains.

Yet we do not deviate from the standard. God’s way is best. Every. Time.

Continue reading

When a Virgin Asks about Not Being One…

“From what I hear it sounds pretty great,” said this beautiful teenager.  She was talking about some of her friends who had already taken the plunge into having sex. “It is the social norm, you know” she said plainly.

My mind exploded with images, stories, statistics. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a sexual minefield and this young woman was standing on the opposite side. Somehow,  somehow, my job was to tell her how and why to walk through this minefield without blowing herself up.

“It is great, perhaps for the moment,” I said, recalling the rush of his attention, the allure of the distorted desire.  “But there is more, so much more.”

Here are some of the thoughts we kicked around. I pray it will be a worthy guide for this wIMG_3141oman but also for her scores of sisters, and brothers, yet to walk through the minefield.

For those of us who didn’t wait, “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.”  However. If we are deep down honest, now we know  the truth. So we dare not water down the truth to assuage our own disappointing choices.

Wise not Happy
A lot of girls give in to sex to “be happy.” They think it will make them happy. But more often it is about making someone else happy. Happiness via sex is like the crocodile in Peter Pan—once the taste is awakened, there is a hunger for more. And more. We are not shooting for happy right now in this moment. We are shooting for wise, which is a much harder but a much greater goal. We ask much harder questions:

Is this surrender of control over my own body wise?
Does this advance MY goals, not the guy’s wants, or my friends’ pressure?

I told this young woman, “in all my work with women I have never met a woman who didn’t regret giving her virginity away for nothing.”  There is a really high cost and a really high risk.

Whether we like it or not, the woman bears the brunt of sex. Whether through loss of reputation, getting a disease, losing scholarships due to pregnancy, or facing single parenting, adoption (or even abortion), the woman has the most to lose. She must be the wise one to rise up and protect her heart and future.

Trading a $1 for a Million Bucks
“Sex is a trusting God issue,” I explained.  She looked at me with a shocked expression. When we give into some temptation outside of God’s design, we are settling for the lesser payoff. For example,  let’s say sex now is worth a dollar and in marriage worth a million dollars.  That one dollar bill right now looks good. And so we think, “Hey, one dollar now is better than nothing.”  But there is the lie.  It’s not nothing, it’s just  later on.

God has promised abundance and favor when we do things His way. He promises a million bucks of freedom, hope and connection in marriage.  Do we trust that He will really come through? Do we trust that God has good for us, later on? Can we trust God to satisfy our desire, right now in the waiting?  One dollar vs. one million.

Hanging around
Sex with others doesn’t just go away.  The memories can hurt for a long time, even the good memories.  How many women, and men, have found themselves unable to be truly intimate with their spouse because of past sexual encounters? By truly intimate I mean God-powered, heart-connected, physically-abandoned sex.  Spirit, emotion and body sex—this is what God has in mind.  Our choices to gratify ourselves for the moment really distract from the longer sexual journey inside marriage. It takes a lot of work to get rid of the memories, comparisons, and shame once we finally meet our husbands.

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen
As my mind  flashed around memories, and even scanned the hard journey of my own marriage, I found I didn’t know how to express one thing: the regret.  I took a deep breath and began.

“I don’t know that you can hear this, but there comes a moment after you meet the man of your heart. It may be right away, or sometime later, for me it was after I became a Christian, but this wave comes over you and you realize that this is God man’s for you. In that moment, you look at the ones who have gone before. They took what rightfully belonged to your husband.  There are all these ‘one and only first times.’ And you realize, you gave those to someone else. It really breaks your heart. Can you see why wise now is better than happy now?”

Enjoy the best of Jesus
I asked this young Christian if she knew there is an anointing on the present generations  for increased power and worship? She said yes she did and so did her friends.

I think the enemy knows that too. That’s why he is unleashing his greatest tactics to keep young women and men preoccupied by all the sexual stimulation, disconnected from true relationships by their devices and deceived into thinking they can have the best of heaven and the best of the world.

How do they fight then?  Their best weapon is a true and real intimacy with God.  There is no better lover than Jesus.  No greater romantic, protector, or satisfier.  We must continue to call them to the love of the Father. They will follow where we are going. So we must ask, are we as adults enjoying the best of Jesus? Are we showing them the God they need for staying power through the minefield?

How would you feel?
The question jumped in my throat.  She was asking, without asking, would you still love me if I had sex? I took another deep breath, shot up an arrow prayer and replied:

“This is your choice to make. I had my choices and I have to live with them.  I have tried to tell you the truth best I can—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Now you have to decide what you are worth, what you are willing to fight for.  My strong desire is that you wait. Wait on God. Wait for God. Wait in God. But my love for you is not determined by  your choices. I choose to love you. No matter what.”

God we pray your covering over the younger generations. Give us boldness to speak and to stand. Give them wisdom and courage beyond their years. Satisfy us with your love dear Jesus. Amen