I must have looked like a crazy woman to the shoreline walkers. First I paced back and forth. Then I stood still and stared. Then I would pace again. Stare. Repeat. This is how I process stuff at the beach when my brain is working on something too big for me. I was praying. Sort of. Lord what about… And Lord what if… And Lord I can’t figure out…Lord what are you going to do about…Lord when will… As I said, praying, sort of.
For the life of me, I just couldn’t figure out an answer for burning in my soul. My list of issues were close to home.
• Facing fear in certain relationships
• Parenting in this season
• Helping my aging parents
• Overhauling my health
But my list also extended to further reaching problems.
• My friends’ mothers dying from cancer
• Grief over trafficking, immigration, etc
• Frustration with the church
• Our planet drowning in plastic
That’s not even everything on the list! No it’s not drama. So don’t say it. It’s real world. It’s life. And sometimes it presses too close.
I wonder what the Holy Spirit does in these moments. Watching me, watching you, try to figure out things that we were never meant to figure out alone.
In one of my pace and stare cycles I said out loud, “Lord, why aren’t you answering me?”
“I already have,” the Spirit said.
“When?” I shot back. “I’ve been out here forever pouring my heart out to you. You haven’t said anything.”
“Crystal texted you earlier.”
I stopped mid-pace. I grabbed my phone and looked at my text from my friend Crystal. She sent me a song link and said, “this reminds me of when you heard this at jazz. [jazzercise]” I had even responded fondly with: “This is one of my favorite pre-Jesus songs. He’s always calling us home.”
Can you believe that interchange happened a hour before my prayer meltdown?