When a “Good Wife” Marries an Porn Addict

I’ve heard the story too many times, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Good women who put their hopes into one marriage, one man, one idea, only to find out, after marriage, they married a porn addict.

In a very candid way, a porn addict is any woman’s nightmare. Prince Charming is not. The one true love is not true.

Some of us hoped against hope that we had found  a man who loved us for who we are. Some of us saved our virginity for this one person who  promised to honor us and to “forsake all others.”   Yet we found out that he valued his own needs and desires  above  all. I know it sounds callous.  But it’s true.  While all addictions are brutal,  pornography especially assaults a woman’s soul.  It’s a very strategic tool in the hands of the enemy to destroy the man and the woman. And marriage.

So now what? broken_heart_by_fastreflex-1We find ourselves in a marriage that is far from the romantic notions we held as young girls.  Instead of the cherished  ideas about being good wives in happy homes, we find ourselves in isolated and abusive relationships. We have become  helpless women in religious and social traps, where the “good wife”  is never supposed to leave her addict husband.

Let me try to clarify two things. Brace yourself.

1). There’s no such thing as a “Good Wife.”

2).  A man addicted to pornography has already forsaken his wedding vows. Continue reading

Dear Blackberry Farm, It’s Still Porn…

Whether it is the Super Bowl, the Playboy Mansion, or Blackberry Farm,  presenting women as objects, reducing their whole person to body parts for male stimulation and pleasure is still porn and it’s still wrong.

Some local news outlets applauded the prestigious Blackberry Farm for receiving yet  “another accolade”  for excellence because they provided the backdrop for the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  On the contrary, it seems they have cheapened their reputation by being an upscale Hooters.  For an organization dedicated to the highest quality possible, they have dropped their standards to such a degree that I have to wonder, is the publicity worth it? No wait, is the degradation of women worth it? Evidently, sadly, yes.

Men behaving badly is the same regardless of your locale.stop porn  This is so painfully obvious that it is near ridiculous to even have to write it out in black and white.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is not art. It’s not benign. It’s not harmless.  Neither is sex trafficking, or adultery, or porn addiction.

It kills women, children and men. It breaks marriages and lives apart.

For what? An orgasm.  Are you kidding me? Continue reading

The Launching…when God shows up

There are just these moments when other people’s stories collide with my own.  And when they do, it gets so crazy “coincidence” that you know in your Knower that God is up to something big.

I have had this ember burning in my soul for months now. It has been a mystery, a wonder, a prayer. And I have hardly been able to even speak it out and  be coherent. But every time I tried to release in the physical what is happening in the spiritual, the ember would flare up into golden flame.

And then I would hear comments about hunger, and restlessness, and even eagerness.  “I am never going back,” is a phrase I have heard not once but three times from women who have gone beyond the bible study, the church going, who have gone into the deep places of God. My heart beats with theirs. So much so, that I feel like now there is a rolling fire in my soul.   We can’t go back to okay, God is wanting to more for us.

And thus. “The Launching.”

red Launch

God is gathering women who are hungry,  even desperate for more of Him.  There is a rising ache and groan among women who have really tasted the beauty and closeness of Jesus. And we want more. But how?

So this event is to help women soak in His presence. Really. To impart revelations that we need to stay centered in the middle of our lives.

Rest. Dependence — which produces peace and confidence. And so much more. Continue reading

Tending to Your Heart In Winter

Imagine  a dried piece of toast.  That’s what my heart  looked  like coming out of the holidays.  And I was so confounded by it.

I enjoyed such a rich time with my family and friends, a time for which I am so grateful and don’t take for granted. I don’t know about you, but families can be risky, so having a happy gathering is a big win at my house. Plus when your kids are home for two weeks, and your husband is on vacation, it generally means mom is not! But God answered my prayers that I would truly savor the times we had together. And we did! IMG_5956

Still when it was just me and Jesus again, the kids back at school, Chuck back to the office, the decorations back in boxes, I felt a little iced over. How can this be when we just spent a month celebrating God’s faithfulness and wonder?

Nevertheless. I was dried out. Iced over.  Blah.

In the natural, winter demands protective measures. Covering pipes. Wearing warmer clothes. Increasing Vitamin D until the sunshine returns.

I’m finding the spiritual winter demands extra effort as well. The first step for me in warming up was understanding that I  am not doing anything wrong necessarily. Continue reading

Deceived or Devoted?

Christmas devotionals abound, I know. But God connected a dot for me last night and I thought you would enjoy it too. It’s about two women and their radically different responses to God.

Here’s a  little context. Every year we  do an assortment of Christmas celebrations.

Watch “The Nativity” movie. Read “The Advent” book. Attend a couple of  musical presentations.

At one such event, there was moment when the characters acted out the fall of man, and thus the need for the Savior. In this particular drama, Adam exclaimed  that Eve got them kicked out of the garden. He seemed bewildered, amazed, overwhelmed by her deception. (Never mind that the man was with the woman when she was tempted by the serpent.)

Call me hyper-sensitive, but there was something yukky about the script or delivery,  as if everything would be hunky-dory if it wasn’t for ‘that woman.’ Continue reading

Is Forgiveness Real, or Not?

I really blew it with my kids yesterday.  Blame it on a toxic cocktail of hormones,  fear and the need to control.  Or.  Let’s just get real.  It was my loss of self control. 

Either way, when my emotional tornado passed, all of us looked and felt like one of those house-splintered aftermath scenes. They were hurt.  I was hurt. And I was pretty sure the Lord was sad too.  There was  a lot of debris to clean up.

As I made dinner, the scene replayed in my mind: my words, their faces.  My choices, their hurt. Over and over it played. My heart was breaking. I love my girls so much. And yet…I still said those horrible things.

“What do I do now??” I asked the Lord in a near panic.

Of course— I would ask my girls  for forgiveness.  But how do I be different next time? I was in a state of shock and disbelief.

Had He taught me so much only for me to lose it in a moment? Did His love not really matter when I needed it most? Was I ever going to learn how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way in the heat of the moment? Continue reading

Why More Sex Doesn’t Fix Porn

It makes me sick when pastors tell wives that if they had been sexing their husbands enough, then their husbands would not have turned to porn. But it makes me violent when pastors tell these now broken, betrayed wives that it is their duty to keep giving their porn addict husbands sex to make them better.

These same pastors misquote scripture to further beat up these wounded women. Well played guys.  Because orgasm is the god of the age.

One commonly misused passage is 1st Corinthians 7: 1- 7 Continue reading

When Women Get in Motion

We are born for motion.

And sometimes, oh how we fight it. After much resisting and arguing with God, I finally relented and went back to Jazzercise.  He  asked me to “love what He loves” which is His language for “Jana, take care of yourself.”

Selah…Are you loving what He loves?

So needless to say, I’m ba-a-a-ack, and man, He talks to me a lot while I  huff and puff and sweat. Think physical and spiritual workout at the same time.  While I shed fat and gain muscle, I shed lies and gain mental muscle too.  The first two weeks were brutal but worth it.

I ran into “her”,  got a new pair of shoes, and got a new inspiration. Whew, He was busy… I forgot He was so committed to my health (and your health). Continue reading

A Few Thoughts on the “Sex Talk” — Part 1

Many of you have asked about when and how to get started on this oh-so-delicate topic of Sex.  What I can offer you is what I learned as an abstinence and relationship teacher and what I have done with my own girls.  I am going to try to break it down in bite-sized pieces.

1) Start sooner than you think and start sooner than you are ready. 

Parents often wait to discuss the whole sexual side of relationship until they “think their children are ready.”  But in my experience, this is a fallacy and is often a big cover up for parental fear.  The thought goes, if my children don’t ask, then my children aren’t ready.  But we don’t do this in any other area. We talk to our children about fires being hot and able to burn you, chocolate being wonderful but the need for moderation, and even what to do around “scary people” and how to get help.

I doubt any of our children asked about these topics.  But we deemed them as  necessary discussions for their development. So is sex.

We live in a highly sexualized culture. Your children are being educated All. The. Time.   So my firm belief is that parents should be the primary voice even in sexual matters for their children. Why? You want to be the Go-To person for your children. You want to be the trusted expert. Not the TV, movies, social media or even their buddies.

I  feel so strongly about this.  I want to create a foundation of truth for today’s generation that is based on God’s idea of sexuality. I want it to be so strong that when the world tries to dump its toxic nature into my kids, or your kids, that they can see the lie for what it is. Otherwise, the opposite is true. The world  establishes the foundation for our kids and parents then resort to trying quick fixes. Too many parents wait so long that their kids have no need to hear from mom and dad.

Too many times, and I have seen this first hand, kids give up on their parents. The parents act like they don’t know anything about sex so they lose credibility with their own children.  Children will go somewhere to get answers.  You want  to be where they go. If you shy away, or sugar coat or even Christian-coat  their real questions, you will lose them. Oral sex, anal sex, homosexual sex.  You don’t flinch. You answer their questions. But they won’t even begin asking if you have never opened the door for them to walk through. Lovre+017

We began the “sex talk” by celebrating marriages.  Our girls were often flower girls or we attended friends’ weddings so we talked about the honeymoon being a special time for the husband and wife to share secret and beautiful things.  At one point, then five -year-old Charis was so excited about the idea of a honeymoon she exclaimed, “Daddy I want you to come on my honeymoon with me and my husband!”

Chuck laughed and said, “I tell you what, when you get married if you and your husband still want me to come, I will be glad to be there!!”

Early on, we set the stage for them that something wonderful was coming.  As they got older, lots of conversations naturally happened as we watched movies where couples had sex on the first date.  Why are they kissing already? Why are they having sex, they aren’t married yet? It is easy to have lots  of “sex talks” as you are doing life together, rather than having one big weekend or event.

We honored their bodies. When they were very small we  called  their sexual areas “privates,” because they were not to be seen or shared with anyone but who God had for them.  Sound like overkill? With the prevailing sexual abuse, we wanted our girls to know that we highly valued  them and they were worth protecting. In hindsight, this even prevented the “playing doctor” and other forms of curiosity.

We covered their privates. We talked about honoring their privates and when they began to talk, we called body parts by their anatomically correct names. Why? Because believe or not, the labeling of women’s bodies begins the objectification process.  Boobies, ta-tas, titties,  all these phrases and even the ones related to the vagina, are part of a culture that separates a woman’s body from the total person. I know this is extreme to some. But we are honoring what God has made. Not what the culture dictates.

Yes there was awkward in the beginning.  For example, when Salem was three she came with me to the office and we ran into the Director of the Board. As he was walking away, she loudly asked, “Mommy does Mr. Mickey have  a penis?” Gasp. Gulp. “Yes he sure does honey. All boys do.”

She wasn’t embarrassed. So why was I?  I had told her that God made us differently and that it was beautiful. So why do we drag all this shame into our conversations with our kids. Sex is God’s idea. Let’s give Him glory even in this. He’s not embarrassed. So why should we be?

Okay this is all for today.  Lots more to come.

photo credit: artsmarts4kids.blogspot.com