The Pain Under Porn

One of the biggest lessons Chuck and I learned through our journey is to work on the right issue. I spent so much time trying to control Chuck and protect myself that I missed the deeper wound. Chuck spent so much time trying to look good and protect his quick fix, he missed the greater need.

Porn, like any form of coping, is not the issue. It is a symptom, but it’s not the cause. I often say it is the flower but it is not the root. We spend a lot of time treating symptoms: porn, food, anger, drugs, alcohol, shopping, social media, gaming, etc.

Yet all of these (and there are more) are attempts to manage a deeper pain and wounding. There is no sobriety or breakthrough without healing the root issue. Pain has to be processed. It can’t be ignored, or buried, it just comes back up until it is dug up.

But God.

I would never claim to be a certified counselor for marriage, addiction or otherwise.  My story of God and His counsel and presence is my only certification. I can’t heal your marriage, husband or heart. But I know the One who can.

Thank you for your kind comments to my recent blog. God is worthy to be praised. It was my Ebenezer, to declare that He met us in devastation 10 years ago and worked a miracle. I want to always remember His wonder-working power yesterday, today and forever.

And. I know that wasn’t the story for many of you. Some of you are still in miserable marriages with addicts. Some of you bear the scars of divorce.

I. Get. It.

I would like to offer a hard won perspective: All this living is an invitation to experience God’s presence in the middle of it.

Human frailty right next to Divine Hope.

My whole marriage journey taught me this. The lies and betrayal and brokenness, over time, became less about me and Chuck and more about me and Jesus. He was with me. He was changing me. He was fighting for me. And guess what? He was doing the same for Chuck.

One deeply profound truth that John Dee taught me was, “Ask for truth to be revealed.” Sounds almost too simple.  I would stand in my house and worship and ask God to reveal all things hidden, for truth to be revealed in my heart and Chuck’s.  God loves to answer that prayer but brace yourself for the fallout. He loves to break off every chain only to reveal every beautiful thing He has put inside of us.

I am now “fully persuaded” that God is good and He is good to me and for me. I know life and its excruciating pain is changed by His presence.  I don’t blame Him for heartache, I go to Him with my heartache.  Do you?

I don’t love and trust Him because of my outcome, I love and trust Him because of His presence and comfort in the middle of it. The Passion Translation has the beautiful expression, God’s wrap-around-presence.  He is With Us.

If the child goes astray, the loved one dies, the betrayal continues, the bankruptcy is final, we look for Him until we find Him.

God has an answer for everything we live through.  Heck, He is the answer.  Amen.

 


 

 

Render Miracles of Our Sin

What a crazy call.  A friend of mine who had completely given up hope on her marriage called to tell me that God had changed her heart. You have to understand how radical this is. They are separated. They have been at war for years. And the last time we talked, my friend and I were trying to process how to go through the death of a marriage in a graceful way, like walking through a funeral.

And now, a couple of weeks later she is different. Completely different. “I do want to be married…and to him!” she said through choking words. She sees now that she had never been willing to do what it would take to make her marriage work. “I have never been willing to change myself.  I always wanted him to change.”

We pray her estranged husband  will try again too, but watching the Lord soften and heal and completely renovate this wife’s heart is faith building. You can’t believe how bad this story has been.  I listened to her recent revelation with the Lord and  I was dumbfounded. And humbled. She said “I thought about you and Chuck and what God has done.” She named two other mutual friends’ marriages that God had resurrected from dry bones. “If God could heal you all, as bad as you were, then maybe there is something I’m missing here,” she said.

As I relayed the good news to Chuck, we both just sat on the phone stunned. “That’s crazy,” he said. “I mean, who would have believed that this could happen?” Many of us have prayed for breakthrough and deliverance. But when the husband moved out, we felt like it was  over and dead. But God. I am glad that God has enough faith  for all of us.

“It’s a miracle. Really. It is a miracle in our midst,” I said quietly.

Three things  stir in my heart. Share your God stories. No matter how messy and ugly and painful. If God has been God to you through heartache, if you have a story of dry bones brought back to life, then breathe that glory out on others.

At Yes and Amen we talked a lot about the power of God to breathe new life on dead bones. All around the room you could see women sharing their stories. Eating disorders  now healed, marriages being restored, parent relationships being bridged… God’s heart is to heal us all if we will only ask and believe Him to move. And we need to hear that God is still God. Share your stories even if they are not “happily ever after” yet. By faith, we must keep on believing and speaking all that God is doing.

The second thing is hold onto the power of redemption. Really, really. The power of God put on display is not when we do it “Just Right” and He gives us a pat on the back. He does love our maturing in Him for sure. But until we mature, or as we mature, He loves when we bring everything to Him to restore and renew and well—to Be God. God is constantly wanting to be God for us, if we will only ask, believe and receive.

There is a beautiful line in a Caedmon’s Call song called “Carry Your Love.” It says, “change us from within/ render miracles from our sin.”  Only God can do that —take our sin and turn it in to something beautiful for His glory.  That word render  is so potent. Look it up sometime. “To melt down, to give in return, to transmit to another.”

All of those are so different in meaning but so God. His glory melts our sin and converts it into something mold-able in His Hands. He gives us beauty in return for ashes. We give him mess and brokenness, He gives us more of Himself, full of joy, possibility, new mercies. He transmits His very life into our own. Remember in Narnia? Aslan would breathe on the children, and their fears would vanish. In place of lack, He would “breathe into them”, transmit to them  His power, His presence.

And third?  Keep your eyes on Jesus.  Keep believing. What are your dead bones? Ask Him to breathe on them and then believe for your own heart change to happen too. May He render miracles of our sin.

Carry Your Love
We are called out; we are ransomed
We are not of the world were in
We are chosen; we are blessed
to bring light to the lives of men
So Father sow your seed
Give us life in community
Wake us from our sleep
This is your time; this is your place
and we are vessels for breaking

Under your grace we are led by your spirt
You have redeemed us by the blood of your son
Send down your word we are eager to hear it
Ready our hearts to cary your love

You are sunlight you are morning
Your the hope of a brand new day
Your are comfort; you are blessing
and you wipe all our tears away
So change us from within
Render miracles from our sin
Remind us once again
This is your time;this is your place
We are vessels for breaking

Under your grace we are led by your spirt
You have redeemed us by the blood of your son
Send down your word we are eager to hear it
Ready our hearts to cary your love